Musings about Faith: A Chapel Talk presented at the Lovett School, Atlanta, GA 1976

In the Fall of 1969 I left a business career to begin teachinig. Because I did not have a teaching license, my choices were limited, and I was lucky to be hired by Charlotte Country Day School as a history teacher in the upper school. I went off to Vanderbilt University that summer and began working on an MAT degree that would lead to a teaching certificate. When I arrived back on campus that fall, I was a bit shocked to learn that I was going to be teaching seventh and eighth grade English since they did not need a history teacher any longer. I was startled and I scrambled around to see how to develop lesson plans in a discipline that had become ancient. I quickly realized that teaching grammar and sentence diagraming was probably not going to work, and I moved towards literature and writing as my central focus.

School opened with a convocation in the gym, and I felt scared and alone watching the students file in and take their seats. I did not hear much of the remakrs made by the heaadmaster that morning. I was too focused on the disaster that was about to descend on me. That first day of school I was a mess as I stood at the door to my classroom and welcomed my new students, anticipating the torment that middle school students know how to create for their teachers! I had pretty much convinced myself that within minutes the students would be in charge as I stood helplessly by. It was a going to be a rapid downhill towards my being abruptly discharged. I had already decided that when that happened I would go home, pack up my belongings and my family and head off to California where I would build a new life away from the humiliation that was about to engulf me! Of course, those dire warnings served little purpose betond keeping me on my toes. I had a wonderful year, one of the mnost exciting in my life.

Today, I am taking a similar risk in talking about my experience in the Christian church. I am afraid some of you may not understand me and why I am doing this. I am afraid that I may be putting my job in jeopardy. However, I have taken lots of risks as I attempt to live an authentic life, and while some things I have said or done do make waves, on the whole I am satisfied that I am telling my truth without any other agenda. I hope the same will happen today.

For many years I did not consider myself a religious person. I felt bady about that because so many people I cared about seemd to find meaning in the church and in their religious life. I found neither, and I struggled. Lately I have come to the conclusion that I am a very religious person and that I can claim this without having to encounter the many obstacles that the church institution places in my path. Not too long ago our excellent chorale sang a hymn that declares “they will know we are Christians by our love.” That particular day I happened to be sitting with some of the Jewish students, and I felt uncomfortable for them as well as unsettled since the hymn declares that Christian love somehow is better or more easily identified than other kinds of love. From time to time some students have come to me, perhpas sensing my feelings, and we have talked about what it is like to sit in here week after week and listen to people talk with strong conviction about the kind of faith that is elsusive to us. Oh I suppose the school believes that most of you are Christians and that you are active in churches outside of class. I suspect that some of you also wonder if there is a way or a time when you will ever ome to believe that Jesus is your savior, that he was the son of God, or that God himself or herself or itself really exists. I wonder that often. So many times I find myself disconcerted as I see others reciting so easily creeds or prayers which contain elements I do not accept. It seems so simple to just say yes to Jesus, take him to your heart and your life will be better. I have tried to do that but I never end up experiencing the joy and peace that others say they have found.

I am nagged by questions. “Was he really the son of God?” “Did he really live after he died?” “Did he actually do those things the Bible reports?” “Do I have to believe all of that to be a Christian?” In my heart I know I do not believe all of it and when I would stand and repeat a creed I felt like I was lying to the God in whom I was claiming to believe. One thing rapidly became clear. My strong value of honesty and integrity was being compromised in unacceptable ways by making statements that I had not found to be true. There was something seriously wrong with what I was expecting myself to do. Over a period of years, I have fluctuated between being highly active in the church to being totally absent. Actually neither of these positions is easy to maintain. I struggle to understand my relationship to whatever supreme being that may exist. I struggle to understand why belief or faith is so hard for me. There are moments when it all seems so crystal clear and my life is purposeful and most rewarding. There are, however, times when everything gets so confusing, when I put myself down for not being able to believe and worship as others do.

What I am trying to say is that it seems that our chapel services typicaly affirm the acceptance of belief. For me, sitting here and listening to all of that (along with “They will know we are Christians by our love”) is challenged because I rarely find any affirmation of the struggle to believe.

Let me share with you some of my beliefs, at least as they exist today. I have not come to any conclusions that suggest my search is over. Over the years my beliefs ebb abd flow, and I expect this will continue. I no longer respond to the question “Are you a Christian?” affirmatively. I have come to accept that questions like these are somewhat common but I have come to realize the social pressure to say yes. Such a broad question rarely has a yes or no answer. Now I am much more likely to respond by asking about their definition of the word or what they are really asking me.

I do not believe that Jesus was any more devine than the rest of us. I do not believe most of the contents of the various Christian creeds. Was there ever such a man as Jesus? I don’t know, and I don’t think this is the inmportant question. I believe we have much to earn from the example of Jesus’ life and that he is a wonderful role model. I believe that Jesus himself would be embarrassed by what the church has done to him. I believe he is one of many people who have keen insight into life and into a system of living with others that is based on love, fairness and equality. I definitely think Jesus is more important for these reasons than because he offers a path to salvation and eternal life. I believe that God or the Spirit or whatever he is named wants us to be…not just like Jesus…but as much like ourselves as we can be. My challenge is to come to know and understand and love myself so that all of me can be shared with those around me. This means that I respond to you as part of the community in which we live and that I give you the best of me everyday knowing I will often fail. At this point in my life this is as truthful as I know how to be about my beliefs. I am not an atheist or agnostic; I ffirm the existence of a God, or whatever the name, which holds our world together and calls us towards a higher level of being.

In spite of the fact that my religious beliefs differ from the central theme of most Christian worship services. I come to worship voluntarily because so often I leave with a heightened sense of our community. It is a very exciting privilege to be a part of each other’s lives, to watch as we explore ourselves and offer our best to others. I am connected by being with a community of people I love, and some of them love me back. I have many wonderful memories of moments in worship services. Music, quiet, presentations by individuals and groups speaking with confidence and encouraging all of us towards growth and celebration of our lives together.

Even though I do not accept all the teachings of the church, I choose to come to worship and try to use this time to forget the hassles of my worldly life andd to reflect on our community life. Many times I leave with a sense of joy and wonder that we can come together the way we do.

You may wonder why I am up here today saying all of this. In November I had a discussion with one of our student leaders about how to make these experiences more relevant to those who didn’t seem to be getting much from the worship experience because of the difference in their beliefs. He asked me if I would be willing to stand up before you and talk about ways my beliefs differ from most. At first I was reluctant but on reflection, I did not want to hide behind someone elses’ understanding of the Christian experience. So, here I am standing before you to state my convictions, at least as they are formed today. Religious belief like most of life is a process that grows over time. I expect my beliefs will deepen and become clearer. I hope you can relate to this because of some similar struggle. Whereas our conclusions may be quite different, I hope we can give each other the freedom to believe what seems most reasonable to each of us. I realize that some of what I have said may offend, and that many will not agree with me. Most important I hope you will be gentle in your criticism of me. I have rrevealed personal things about myself and feel my vulnerabililty. I am a risk taker on various aspects of my life. This statement is one more example of my effort to maintain my integrity. Thanks for listening so intently.